Oh What A Night

Jen, if you'd stayed with us on Friday night, you would have experienced a bar of epic sketchy proportions.

After we left the Ram (which is not, as everyone thinks, a gay bar) we headed down Milwaukee Avenue to try out some of the city of Wheeling's classy establishments. Wheeling is the town that gave us Mike "Goof" Lakhovsky, so we knew we'd find nothing but five-star venues.

The first place we stopped, Hang Outs, is identified by the giant smiley face painted on the outside wall. However, Hang Outs wanted us to pay $6 for the 'privilege' of hearing live music, so we took a pass.

Our next stop was the Dam Inn, which didn't look like a bar at first sight (it looked more like a 1950s post office with a Bud Light sign in the window.) When we stepped inside, we found what looked like a diner counter staffed with 85-year-old bartenders, three patrons all over the age of 60, and a lot of shelves covered with merchandise. Sort of a bar-meets-gift shop-meets-Grandma's house type of vibe.

No sooner had we gotten our beers than Grandma Bartender started pulling out "adult toys" to show us - a robotic parakeet programmed with filthy sayings, a tongue-shaped ladies' marital aid, a singing robot doll whose blouse fell off at strategic moments. I thought Katie Russell was going to burst into flames when Grandma made her hold the tongue.

The kicker came when Grandpa Bartender waddled over to tell us a joke. I still don't really follow the joke, but it had something to do with sausage and culminated with Grandpa dropping his pants right there in the bar. So there we were, surrounded by dirty toys, drinking $2 beers, with a pantsless 85-year-old staring us in the face.

I CHALLENGE you to find something sketchier.